Why I Stepped Down from Management

So, here's the story behind why I stepped down from my management role at Billtrust. Back in early-2023, my team's manager left, and there was this gap that needed to be filled within my team. I'd been with Billtrust for almost five years by then, and I was super involved in leading my team through numerous big projects. I was still a Senior Software Engineer, but I'd shown that I could work well with the Product team to understand their needs and then translate those into technical requirements. I expressed interest in the position and my boss decided to fast track me to a management position.

Once I fully transitioned to management, I suddenly had several people reporting to me. I was given responsibilities to ensure the team as a whole made good on its customer commitments while still maintaining the business-critical systems that Billtrust relies on. Additionally, I was being included in strategy sessions that were for initiatives that were well into the future. Needless to say, I was very busy, and the amount of time I was spending in meetings went up considerably.

I committed myself to embracing the role, and I made several impactful contributions that changed the way my team operated. Internal meetings were more efficient, Jira stories were much more detailed, and I successfully managed the team as we met important customer deadlines. I dedicated a huge amount of time to improving the areas of the Software Development Lifecycle that the team had historically struggled with. I have never worked so hard, and I saw positive results.

However, all these accomplishments came at a heavy cost. I have always struggled with personal time management. I was spending a huge amount of time in strategy meetings, managing projects, and implementing changes to the team's internal processes. Additionally, the ever present sprint cycle meant I needed to have actionable work created, refined, and triaged by the start of the next sprint. Otherwise, well paid and talented developers would be stalled with no work to do. After a few months, the workload and stress were taking a serious mental toll on me.

The workday would end, and all I could do was lie on the couch and veg out. This, in turn, would take a physical toll on me since I was too mentally drained to go to the gym consistently. This pattern eventually led to some problems in my personal life. My stress levels made me short with people, grumpy, and neglectful of the important people in my life. Stress caused problems which caused more stress.

To make matters worse, I would take every opportunity to pick up a development task. I just couldn't shake the desire to want to take an active role in creating software (writing/generating code). I had a nagging anxiety that if I didn't keep my software engineering skills sharp, I would lose any path back into that role. So I spent a lot of time on coding projects both at work and in my personal time.

Towards the end of 2024, I reflected on the year and I came to the conclusion that something had to give. I could not possibly sustain the pace I had been operating at. Even though I was delivering consistently positive results and I was making a real difference, I just couldn't go on. It dawned on me that the manager role wasn't something that I was passionate about. So I made the decision to tell my boss that I wanted to go back to development.

I knew there was a chance that this decision wouldn't go over well. However, I need not have worried. My boss was incredibly understanding, and he took it upon himself to transition me back to a development role. He, and his boss, worked with executive leadership and went to bat for me. They explained the value that I brought to the company. Personnel shakeups are time-consuming, and a lesser boss or company would likely have let go of me. I am extremely appreciative and I admire their dedication to keeping top talent.

I am now in a much better and healthier place in my life. I was transitioned to a Lead Developer position where I get to take an active role in developing software, but I get to use some of my leadership chops to help the team. I was just added to a very cool AI leadership group within Billtrust. There are still tough days. But even the most grueling days are much easier to cope with because I am doing something that I love. It really makes all the difference.